In the sports world, each team and player’s performance can be, and is, summarized in the form of a statistics (stat) sheet(s). A player’s stat sheet helps define a players identity. A team or player’s statistics are collected and then analyzed by players, coaches, staff, announcers, reporters, and the general public. 

On-field statistics, such as batting average in baseball or number of rebounds in basketball, are assessed about the player’s performance.  Off-field statistics, such as player’s salaries, often deal with the business side of sports.   

A stat sheet becomes a summary, mostly in numbers, as to who a person is in terms of their sport and those numbers can be used to determine their worth, value, or rank.

Statistics are often used tactically in an attempt to gain a competitive advantage over another team or individual. 

Another impact of this data collection, especially in professional sports, is gambling.  Whether it be a friendly wager, a fantasy sports league, or a high-stakes bet at a casino, statistics are available for one to use to make an educated guess as to how a person or team will perform. 

The Tryouts and Interview Process

After my breast cancer diagnosis, I was urged by the diagnosing doctor and then my breast surgeon to swiftly see other doctors to gain a full understanding of my type of breast cancer and to understand all of my options before deciding on a next action. 

I was told to see an oncologist, a radiologist, a plastic surgeon, a fertility specialist and then get second opinions if I wanted or needed them. 

It felt urgent.  It felt mandatory.  It felt overwhelming. 

In its own strange way, I was going to be attending tryouts and going through interview processes, not for a professional sports team, but for my health and well-being. 

I was going to have to compete in a game that I didn’t choose to play in, nor, did I want to play in.   

The Clipboard Reality

“….if you could please just fill out this paperwork and bring it back to me…”

Cry.  Weep.  Scream.  Argue.  Run away.  Far away.  I wanted to, but I couldn’t.  I shouldn’t.  At least not all of them.  At least not right now. 

As I entered all of the above-mentioned doctor’s offices, I attempted to take in the full experience, even though I did not want to be there.  I wanted to remember the layout of the room, how it smelled and felt, what the other patients in the waiting room looked like, and be fully “on” during the entire visit. 

I was uncomfortable with what I was observing, but the biggest discomfort for me came in the form of a clipboard. 

At any doctor’s visit, you have to provide some basic information about yourself and your health during the check-in process so the doctor can review it and learn about you before he actually sees you.  However, once you become a cancer patient, it’s a whole new ballgame. 

Before cancer, I was proud to fill out those forms because I did not have to select any box that would throw up a red flag.  My genetics were good.  My habits were good. My health was good. At least I thought so.  

Now, with cancer, you are telling the doctor, who you are, based on what you know about the cancer data that has been collected:  size of tumor, location of tumor, cancer type, stage, grade, nodes affected, genetic results, etc, etc.  

Putting this information on paper was HARD.  It was real.  It was devastating in its own right.  These were my “on-field” statistics.  I would carry them with me throughout life.  My children and grandchildren would have to fill out their doctor forms with my red flag data. 

The “off-field” statistics were also collected and analyzed.  I provided my health insurance information, as anyone would, if they were fortunate enough to have it.  Once the appropriate personnel reviewed my insurance information, I would be told about the deductible, copay, cash price, coverage, etc before I would be seen by the doctor. 

The financial aspect of cancer is part of the equation or game.  As an already emotionally devastated and overwhelmed cancer patient, I would have liked to have blocked the financial facet from my mind, but it was relevant and part of my stat sheet.  My insurance coverage would play a role in this process, whether I liked it or not.  

Fast-forward to the time where the doctor enters the room and we cordially introduce ourselves.  First impressions are impactful.  I liked and respected almost every doctor I met with.  They were caring, trained, experienced, and experts in their field.  They gave me answers to my questions sometimes before I could even ask the question.  I did not leave with unanswered medical questions that could be answered.  I did, however, leave with an altered, damaged sense of self.

Those doctors, my doctors, the people that try to keep cancer from killing me, look at me and make recommendations for me based on my cancer stat sheet attached to a clipboard.  My cancer stat sheet is relevant for them to do their jobs and relevant to my health. 

Mental Shift

As I have processed the fact that I actually have a cancer stat sheet, my thoughts have shifted from feeling reduced to empowered. 

There was a time where I felt shame and embarrassment from having a cancer stat sheet.  I felt lesser than. 

But after much mental and emotional effort, I realized that I get to have a cancer stat sheet.  Rather than playing victim and thinking this terrible thing called cancer happened to me, I choose to think that cancer happened FOR me.  I get to see the world differently now because of my cancer diagnosis.  It propelled me, it pressed down on the gas pedal to shift me into a better place as a human being.  It gave me clarity on life and for that I am beyond grateful. 

My cancer is part of my identity, but not my whole identity.  It plays a role in who I am today, and I am so much more than just a cancer patient or survivor. 

Comments?  Have you had similar mental shifts in your life?  How has it felt to overcome and accept after denying and resisting?